The Widowed Connection

Service of Widows

2012-02-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

Fear Not

2012-02-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

Part 6 of How To Become Happier is on celebrating failure, as a step towards improvement. What kind of service could you offer to someone else who is feeling this failure and could use a boost?

Grateful Service

2012-02-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

In part 4 of How To Become Happier we look at not trying to become happy, become grateful.

Gratitude and Service can become a continuous circle.

Friendly Service

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

In part 3 of How To Become Happier we looked at not trying to find friends, but instead to develop the skills of friendship.

Service "Exercise"

2012-02-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

In part 2 of How To Become Happier, how could you combine exercise with serving others?

Unselfish Service

2012-02-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

Looking back to Part 1 of How To Become Happier, what of your strengths do you possess could you use to serve others today?

Letting Go: The Power of Closing Doors

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in order for us to serve others, particularly as we go through the stages of grieving, we need to start by letting go of doors that have closed with the death of our spouses.

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/02/05/letting-go/

How To Become Happier Part 6

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Don't Try To Get Help With Your Problems

If you have clinical depression, this doesn't apply, as you may need to get help to get to the point where you are able to get to "neutral".

This is about becoming happy. Getting counseling will not bring happiness.

Instead, help someone else - science found it the single most reliable way to better our mood.

Try It!

Find one wholly unexpected kindness you can perform for someone else and just do it.

Keep track of daily who you have helped today.

I Testify

2012-02-05T11:43:00.000-08:00

Today is Fast Sunday, so in the Sacrament Meetings for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it means the majority of the meeting is spent with people coming up to bear testimony of Christ, His Church and other spiritual matters.

Our Bishopric has been counseling us in Sacrament Meeting that this is not a time to give out travelogues or to give a long back-story to explain our testimony. Just simply testify. With that in mind, I tried to limit my testimony this morning. I only spoke in phrases that began with "I testify...". It was difficult, and will require me to do some practice, as I tend to be more of a storyteller than a testifier.

How about you? Could you bear your testimony if you could only begin each phrase with "I testify..."?

I testify that Jesus is the Son of God.

I testify that He atoned for our sins. How grateful I am for that, and the opportunity it gives me to repent and be forgiven.

I testify that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His Church. It is his Gospel. It is the Gospel of love and the great Plan of eternal Happiness.

I testify that as we draw unto Christ, He and the Holy Ghost will draw closer to us. We must, however, open the first door.

I testify that The Book of Mormon is Holy Scripture, the Word of God translated for our day, just as The Holy Bible is also Holy Scripture, translated to bring men unto Christ.

I testify that God is a God of families, and that families can be together forever through Him. How grateful I am for Temples and the Ordinances within them that makes this possible.

This testimony is but a small part of my beliefs and spiritual knowledge.

I testify these things in the Name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Sisters: Deep Beauty

2012-02-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Increase In Learning Chapter 1

2012-02-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

I must confess something right now: I'm somewhat exhausted as I write this. It's been a long week and I can tell I'm coming down with another respiratory infection again. I just got rid of the last one less than a month ago.

I've read Chapter 1 of Increase In Learning and am really loving it. There is so much there that is, for me, "connecting the dots" in a spiritual sense.

A few thoughts:

Chapter 1 is about our individual responsibility to learn - not just our role, but our role in seeking and receiving knowledge from the Holy Ghost, and then acting upon that knowledge.

A lot of this chapter reminded me of this scripture, found in Doctrine & Covenants 9: 7-8:

"7 Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.

8 But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right."

If we expect help by way of knowledge, warnings and other types of personal revelation from the Lord, we need to be doing our part as well. She should not walk up to the Lord and tell Him, "okay, I'm here. Enlighten me."

Yet, how many of us pray like this? I've been guilty of this as well, which is why so much of this has been changing the content and language of my prayers. It's made a huge difference in how my day goes and what my choices are.

Along with this comes the strengthening of my armor.

Last Sunday, the Primary children created a "class shield" of what kinds of things they use to make good choices in their lives. It made me wonder, what symbols would be on my shield?

Learning also means knowing what the Lord wants you to be asking. It reminded me of one of the TOFW talks by Laurel Christensen where she talks about her "aha" moment when she learns about asking for bread vs. asking for a stone. It comes from Matthew 7:9:

"9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?"

She talked about learning to ask for the appropriate things, at the appropriate time when she received an answer telling her "Heavenly Father wants to give you bread, when you ask for bread."

The related readings also prompted some learning, but also some questions as well.

One of the biggest questions was for me: if I had a Liahona as did Nephi, what would it say?

The Liahona was the outward symbol of what we should be inwardly doing - seeking to know the will of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit.

In order to be able to fully answer that, you need to have fully received the Holy Ghost, and receive the counsel He gives.

With that in mind: what would your Liahona say to you today?

Breaking The Mold

2012-02-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

If you've seen my profile on www.mormon.org, you understand what this post is about.

Over this past summer, I was wondering why my life is so different than what I've always believed to be the "norm". That norm would be having a living husband, children, home, mini-van and the ability to be a stay at home mother. When I married Decker, I thought I would have that life. It didn't turn out that way.

Decker passed away after two years of marriage, and we were unable to have children. This left a lot of unanswered desires.

I wondered why, though, my life turned out so differently?

The answer was in Ephesians 6.

This chapter of scripture talks about putting on the whole armor of God.

What I received, through personal revelation, is that we fail to realize our armor is not supposed to be identical to that of others. Our relationship with the Lord should be as unique as we are, and our lives will also become unique.

My life was never meant to be the "norm". Was yours? Perhaps it's time to embrace your uniqueness.

By Doc Christensen

Think Different.

2012-02-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Failure/Success Story

2012-02-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Losing A Spouse

2012-01-31T19:29:00.000-08:00

This month's LDS Living Magazine contained a story on advice for those who have become widowed, and for those who interact with widowed members. It's a wonderful article and well worth reading.

Losing A Spouse

It's been 11 years (it will be 11 1/2 years on Valentines Day) since Decker passed away unexpectedly, and I do have a few more words of advice, based upon my own experiences and that of those with whom I've been privileged to be a widow buddy for.

1. Seek and receive Priesthood Blessings often. I cannot emphasize this enough. Every widowed person should seek to call upon the powers of Heaven for their aid. Doing so will yield expected and even some unexpected blessings and revelation.

2. Journal the advice given from the Priesthood Blessings, as well as experiences, promptings and revelation you receive. My learning curve when straight up after Decker died. I'm so thankful now to go back and read those experiences, and continue to journal as I experience more now.

3. Go to the Temple often. If you do not currently hold a Temple Recommend, do whatever it takes to get one, and wear it out. The House of The Lord is the place where the veil between mortality and eternity is the thinnest. It has been my personal experience that I can not only feel the presence of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but also Decker, when he's not too busy with his work.

Make sure that you arrange your schedule so that you can take as much time as you would like to in the Temple. Don't over schedule yourself and end up with a rushed experience.

4. Have a checkup with your doctor. While preparing for Decker's funeral, I came down with bronchitis. A few days after the funeral, I went to the doctor to not only find out I had the bronchitis, but my blood pressure was near stroke levels. Grieving is very stressful, not just emotionally but also physically. Take vitamins (particularly the B-Complex vitamins for stress) and if you cannot sleep at night consult your doctor for medications that can assist with that.

5. Get a widow buddy. This should be a widowed member whose spouse has been gone for at least one year. The reason is that the first year is the hardest to get through, you need someone there who has experienced it. The article I mentioned above talks about support groups, however sometimes those can be hard to find in different geographical areas. It's easier to find at least one widow buddy in your stake.

Make sure you spend time with that widow buddy, phone calls and emails will not cut it. They need to see how you are doing, as well as to be able to get you out of the house for a little while. They can also see if there are signs of trouble and get help before things go really bad.

6. Do not delay or skip the grieving process. Delaying the grieving process actually makes it harder when it does hit (and yes, it will eventually catch up to you).

Also keep in mind that just because you've made it through one stage of the grieving process doesn't mean you won't repeat it. This happened with me, and it's happened with everyone I've met who is grieving the loss of a loved one.

7. Remember that there is hope. You never stop missing and grieving the loss of your spouse, but it becomes less frequent over time. I still have my "basket case" days when our wedding anniversary approaches and the anniversary of Decker's death approaches. I know this and I can forewarn anyone I happen to be with that I will be more emotionally sensitive during those times.

Keep the door open for Jesus Christ, He can't take the pain away, but he can help you bear it as you experience one of the most challenging times of your life.

Also keep in mind that while you are experiencing transition in your life, so is your deceased spouse.

A Little Bit About Outliers

2012-01-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

How To Become Happier Part 5

2012-01-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

Celebrate Failure

Have you heard the expression, "if a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing well"?

This expression means to do something right the first time around. The problem is, how many of us could do that? Do something right the first time it was tried? I would say not very many.

Instead, change the expression to "if a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly... at first." This would imply that you would eventually get it right, but you need to do things badly before you can get better. Doing nothing at all - or burying your talent - will result in you losing it altogether. You don't use it, you lose it.

I know this from countless hours of piano practicing, working on genealogy, working on web sites, anything I want to do. I have to do it badly before I can do it well.

If you haven't read this book yet, you should. It's called Outliers.

The book talks about those who are the exception to the rule, the geniuses in their respective fields. One thing is in common with all of them: they each spent a minimum of 10,000 hours working on that field. This includes the computer programmers and musicians. This seems to be the "Tipping Point" (to coin another book title by Malcolm Gladwell) that makes a person go from good to great.

The problem is, we focus so much on the accomplishments and achievements of great and talented people, we don't see the hours when the work of these people was not at it's finest.

Sometimes, however, you need to celebrate the failures, because you are on your way to greatness.

Others:

Edison failed over 10,000 times before succeeding in making an electrical light bulb.

Colonel Sanders' chicken recipe was rejected 1,009 times before it was accepted by a restaurant.

Walt Disney went broke several times before he became successful, and was fired from his first job at a newspaper because he lacked imagination as a cartoonist.

Think you've seen failure? Check out the Snopes article on the truth of Abraham Lincoln.

So, the next question becomes, what will be the next failure for you to celebrate? Me? I have a few in mind...

Pay It Forward

2012-01-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

Gratitude is only good if it's shared.

A New Way To Think of Furniture

2012-01-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

I live in a small space, but I had never thought of some of these arrangements.

Discover Your Legacy

2012-01-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

What I Am Most Grateful For...

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Lessons I Learned As A Boy

2012-01-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Daily

2012-01-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

Things To Be Grateful For

2012-01-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday and I'm already falling down on the job for this week's assignment. My only excuse is I had a doozy of a headache when I got home last night, so I spent most of my evening asleep.

Monday:

I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and my ability to receive forgiveness. I make a lot of mistakes, so I need this a lot.

I'm grateful to have reliable transportation, and the ability to play music from my iPod on my car stereo. It allowed me to put on Gospel centered music, instead of the junk the world thinks is so great.

I'm grateful for the job that I have and the work that I do. Particularly the students at the school I work at. They are great young people.

Tuesday:

I'm grateful for ibuprofen. I've been needing it since I had dental work done on the 13th. Serious dental work, involving serious pain.

I'm grateful for Rachel, my cat. As bad as I have felt in the recent past (including last night), it always feels so good to pet her.

I'm grateful for my friends. We all need at least one good friend in our lives.

I've got more things to be grateful for, however I'll save them for the rest of the week.

Expressing Gratitude

2012-01-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

How To Become Happier Part 4

2012-01-23T08:00:00.001-08:00

Don't try to feel happy, instead focus on feeling grateful. Happiness will follow.

Try It!

Write down three good things that have happened each day in the coming week, AND why they happened.

Gratitude Exercises: Make A Gratitude Adjustment

The Widow's Mite

2012-01-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

What "mite" will you be giving to the Lord this coming week?

Miracles

2012-01-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm always amazed at how the Lord knows exactly what we need, just when we need it.

Last night's Stake Conference was a night of miracles, not only where I was the recipient, but I was also involved in making a miracle for someone else.

I love it when that happens. :-)

Coping With Memory Clutter

2012-01-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

I found the DVD that I have the recording of this show on, I'm so glad I saved it and have found it again.

Coping With Memory Clutter

This is another really big problem area for me; letting go of the clutter. I'm getting there, but it's taken me a long time.

Do you have any projects you would tackle first? Do you have a plan of how to do it?

Video: Minimize Your Memory Clutter

Learn How To Make Small Talk

2012-01-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

The video here is not embed friendly, but is worth looking at.

How To Make "Small Talk"

Communication And Self Esteem

2012-01-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

There are some people, including myself, who have some difficulty in getting the point across when I'm speaking. I'm much better at writing than speaking.

I was thinking this might be a project to work on:

Pick a Gospel topic, compose and give a talk on the subject.

Need some help?

Prepare A Talk - LDS.org

Communication Tips

2012-01-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

I still need to look through this, but the main page looks promising...

http://www.wittcom.com/communication_tips.htm

My Bids For The Day

2012-01-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

I work in public education, so a lot of my bids are regarding students, with a few interactions with teachers.Hopefully tomorrow will be better, but with my life being dominated with student testing, I have a feeling my more meaningful conversations will be with my cat more than anyone else.

At least I got my exercise in, running up and down the stairs this evening.

How Are You Doing With Your Bids?

2012-01-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

How well are you doing with your bids? Did you make any today? Did you respond to any today?

I work with children for six hours per day, so chances are I make a lot of interactions with these young ones.

The challenge is having that one meaningful conversation each day. Do you think Facebook counts?

Update - January 16th 2012

2012-01-16T21:49:00.000-08:00

This past Friday, after working part of my shift at school I went to the dentist for a four hour procedure. What started out as one root canal turned into two root canals and a retreat of a root canal in addition to the two.

I still need to have the other tooth removed, but I'm waiting until I'm healed from this round.

This was somewhat of a traumatic experience for me, and I've had root canals before.

I won't go into too many details (rather gory), but it involved using a laser to burn gum tissue to get to the cavity in the teeth. There was a lot of it that I felt, and smelled from the procedure.

I did stop by work on my way home to make sure everything was okay there, and on the drive home a thought crossed my mind: I wonder if the Savior experienced any of this pain and trauma during the atonement?

With the combination of ibuprofen and hydrocodone (thank you, Heavenly Father, for pain meds) that thought got lost.

Until Sunday, when during the Sacrament hymn, the thought was brought back to remembrance and the answer was given.

While singing Behold The Great Redeemer Die, hymn 191, second verse:

"While guilty men his pains deride,
They pierce his hands and feet and side;
And with insulting scoffs and scorns,
They crown his head with plaited thorns.

Although in agony he hung,
Nor murm'ring word escaped his tongue.
His high commission to fulfill,
He magnified his Father's will."

The answer was yes. He felt the pain that I went through, and experienced the trauma that I went through, and did it so He could succor me and others like me with peace and healing. He couldn't remove the pain, but He could help me get through it.

"Father, from me remove this cup.
Yet, if thou wilt, I'll drink it up.
I've done the work thou gavest me,
Receive my spirit unto thee."

Yes, He did the work of the Father, because He loved us so much He was willing to endure excruciating pain to help each of us get through our pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain.

My heart sorrowed, because I'm sure I've caused Him a lot of grief and pain in the course of my journey in mortality. How grateful I am that He is still willing to help me despite this.

How To Become Happier Part 3

2012-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

Stop Trying To Find Friends

Wendy Ulrich talked about the importance of having good friends. In fact, studies have shown that those who are happiest at their jobs have a best friend there. One they can confide in.

So, instead of trying to find friends, what do you do?

Instead, develop the skills of friendship.

One of those skills is understanding "bids". This is where you say something to someone (or they say something to you) to start a conversation. It could be anywhere, whether at work, or while standing in a line at the grocery store or bank.

Those who are the happiest had 6 hours of social contact daily. This may or may not include work. For me, I have at least 6 hours of social contact each day with students. I can tell when I haven't met my quota, because I feel like I've been cut off.

Another part of this is to celebrate the success of others. People who minimize the success of someone else with their own successes are not really friends, are they? This is especially important for children, whose self esteem is still somewhat fragile.

Try It!

Make and respond to "bids".
Have at least one meaningful conversation daily.
Celebrate other's successes.

Some Healthy Words To Ponder

2012-01-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

I often find it amazing how instruction given years ago is still applicable today.

Here is a talk I found on www.lds.org, given in 1978:

Good Health - A Key To Joyous Living

And, of course, with such a global reach with the Gospel of Jesus Christ and our teachings of helping out our brothers and sisters with their health needs, let's not forget the basics. Let's all pray for their privilege to Choose To Become, simply by surviving disease and war.

Diabetes Care

2012-01-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

This post is more for me, although I'm sure there are a few others out there who have Diabetes.

I have the adult onset of Type II Diabetes, where too much sugar is going into my bloodstream and is not being regulated properly. This is controlled by a pill form of medication. I do not require insulin at this point in time.

What I didn't know, was exactly how this all worked. I found a link for these videos from the Dr. Oz Show, and I thought I'd post a link to a video I found on this site that makes informational and educational videos on the human body.

Here is one of their videos on Diabetes:

http://visibleproductions.com/index.php?page=asset_detail&asset_id=vpl_0629_001

Here is the link to the main web site, I just did a search for Diabetes and found a number of videos on there.

http://visibleproductions.com/index.html

If we are going to talk about becoming healthier, this does not simply mean exercise, but eating properly can also help you to feel better physically, allowing you to be emotionally and spiritually happier.

Here is Dr. Oz's 3 D's to a Healthy Diabetic:

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/3ds-healthy-diabetic

Workouts From The Dr. Oz Show

2012-01-13T08:00:00.001-08:00

Here are some other workouts featured on the Dr. Oz Show. Be sure to check with a physician to make sure any of these are right for you.

http://www.doctoroz.com/get-fit-2012

Becoming and Overcoming

2012-01-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

It's not embed friendly, but it's worth clicking on this BYU Devotional and watching.Becoming and Overcoming

Update - January 11, 2012

2012-01-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

A lot has been happening the last few days, concerning my physical health.Yesterday I didn't get much exercise (unless you count the walking I do as a crossing guard in the mornings), however today I parked away from my workplace and walked a good 1/4 mile with bags totaling in weight of about 25-30 pounds. Very good exercise.On Monday morning, I was awoken by searing pain in one of my teeth. Further x-rays and an early morning exam this morning, it can be saved, but it is getting infected so I am on anti-biotics. The tooth will need a root canal, and a second tooth will need to be removed.I was supposed to have check up appointments on Friday with two doctors (including the ob/gyn who performed the ovary removal 1 1/2 years ago and the endometrial ablation on me this past October), however those have been re-scheduled so I can have the dental work done instead.As much as we love to feel we are in control of things, there is always this push from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that teach you otherwise. Like many of the widowed people reading this, we are well acquainted with the fact that there are some things that we cannot control. Learning to accept those instances and try to find ways of dealing with them is a part of life.I do find, though, that some of these times are where Heavenly Father and the Lord are shaping me into what they want me to become. In order for me to become the daughter they want me to be and be able to progress in my life, I need to get these things done first.This is another part of the physical health aspect of choosing to become, and choosing how I will handle these situations.

Get Active Your Way

2012-01-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

I found this article with some additional ideas:Get Active Your Way

Physical Activity

2012-01-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

Here's something I found while surfing the internet you might find helpful.

Ten Minute Workouts

How To Become Happier Part 2

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

2. Don't Try To Get Motivated To Exercise

In this part of her talk, Wendy Ulrich briefly explains that exercise releases chemicals in the body to make you feel better.The problem is, that a lot of us have, as she put it, "gremlins" in our head that we have to overcome to feel motivated to exercise.

Her advice? To trick the "gremlins".

Start with small steps.

This might require changing clothes, not because you want to go running or walking, but because they are comfortable.

Then walking to the door and opening it up, not because you want to exercise, but because you want to check the weather outside.

You walk to the end of the curb to your home (or in my case out to the parking lot of my complex), to see what is going on in the neighborhood.

By this time, you tell yourself you may as well go for that run or walk, as you're already there anyway.

My problem? Getting home before dark. I'm not sure I want to go for a walk alone in the darkness.

Good luck!

Update:

To make a long story short, I ended up at the dentist today after a 2:30 am wakeup call of pain from a tooth that has seen it's last days. I don't know exactly when it will be getting taken care of as it was almost 7:00 when I finally got home this evening.

I did however, take a walk down and a jog up two flights of stairs at my complex this evening - so I could collect the mail from my mailbox on the ground floor.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Patriarchal Blessings

2012-01-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

One thing that Wendy Ulrich mentioned during her talk was going through your Patriarchal Blessing and listing the strengths and weaknesses (or things you need to work on) that are listed by your Heavenly Father.

I did this today, and found it was not only illuminating to see how many more strengths I have than weaknesses, but also the weaknesses that Heavenly Father knew I would have and would be facing even now, even though my blessing was given in 1986.

There were also sections that really put on new meaning as I did this exercise, things I didn't know Heavenly Father knew about me.

Create

2012-01-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

What of your strengths or gifts can you use this week to create?

The habits of happy people | January 2012

2012-01-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

The habits of happy people | January 2012

This covers the majority of the Wendy Ulrich talk, but I'll post more later. It's Saturday and I'm cleaning the tub/shower out.

If you're in Arizona, enjoy the sunshine!

Cemetery Traditions

2012-01-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

It's late, I'm still coughing from the bronchitis I'm trying to get rid of, so I thought I'd post something that happened over Winter Break.

In the month of December, four people I either knew very well or was at least somewhat acquainted with passed away. Between that, doctor's visits and running errands to prepare for the holidays, Mom and I got a little behind in the one tradition we now have at Christmastime: visiting the cemetery and changing the flowers.

I know, it probably sounds like kind of weird to have a tradition of visiting a cemetery at Christmas, but when the majority of your family is deceased, and Christmas is a time for family, then a trip to the cemetery is one of the things you do.

This time we were a little late and went after Christmas but before New Years Eve. The flowers looked beautiful and afterwards Mom and I went to the small Lion House Bakery inside the Chandler Deseret Bookstore for some fantastic chicken salad with a roll.

I will also add, however, after leaving one of the funerals at the beginning of my break, I went straight to the Temple. Keeping my thoughts focused on the teachings and feelings there helped me get through a very difficult day. Being dressed in all white and surrounded by others dressed in white reminded me of the Priesthood Blessing I had received a few days prior to the funeral reminding me to keep an eternal perspective on things as they unfold.

The Temple was such a "saving grace" for me when Decker passed away, and it continues to be a source of peace and strength for me today.

At Such A Time As This

2012-01-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

Esther 4:14

"... and who knoweth whether thou art come to the kingdom for such a time as this?"

You have been saved for this particular time, in this particular dispensation, for the particular mission God has for you. You have come to the Kingdom for such a time as this.

The Holy Ghost

2012-01-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

How do you know you are on the path God wants you to be on? How do you know you are becoming the person God knows you can be?

The Holy Ghost.

Have You Decided Yet?

2012-01-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Given yesterday's post, have you decided which of your strengths you would like to use?

One of my strengths is Faith. It's not on the list, but my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ has seen me through some very difficult challenges.

If I could develop this, it would be to the level of Job. I'm not there yet, but it's something I can use and work at.

How To Become Happier, Part 1

2012-01-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of the speakers, Wendy Ulrich, gave a talk at the TOFW called How To Become Happier. According to Dr. Martin Seligman, a psychologist who began a study of achieving happiness 10 years ago, there were seven different things you could do to become happier in life. They are:

1. Stop worrying about your weaknesses
2. Don't try to get motivated to exercise
3. Stop trying to find friends
4. Don't try to feel happier
5. Celebrate failure
6. Don't try to get help with your problems
7. Don't endure to the end

The first was to stop worrying about our weaknesses and focus on our strengths. As Wendy points out, though, does that mean we no longer work on those weaknesses? No. It just means that those weaknesses should not define who we are. We have been blessed with gifts and talents that could be used in whatever capacity God gives us, it's a matter of finding what that is.

That list of strengths that Wendy gave in her talk:

Curiosity
love of learning
open-mindedness
creativity
seeing the big picture
bravery
persistence
honesty & authenticity
enthusiasm
self-discipline
caution
forgiveness
humility
kindness & generosity
social skills to fit in or connect
loving & accepting love
team player
fairness to all
leadership
appreciating beauty & excellence
gratitude to others
humor & playfulness
religiousness
optimism

Her assignment? Find two or three of these or other strengths we each possess and find new ways to use them in the course of our daily lives.

Here is the link to the study Dr. Martin Seligman, who Wendy spoke about in her talk, did this study on what makes people happy. The list above is a partial list that Dr. Seligman found in common with all the religions of the world.

www.authentichappieness.com

Your Personal Best

2012-01-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's that time of year again to set some goals. Have you set up lofty ones you will fail at, or have you given up entirely? I was in the latter camp until this year.

When I ran cross country and track in high school, there were other runners who were a lot faster than I was. I learned a lot of things with the long distance running, though, and one of those was to not compare myself against others, but to compare my running times against my previous running times. It was called getting your "personal best".

So what is my personal best? What is yours?

Without a benchmark like this, you don't know if you're gaining or losing ground with whatever it is you are doing.

For me? It comes from a source I used long ago, and am starting to re-use again. I'm wondering if more widows should do the same? Should we create a system to track our personal best and set goals?

I'm thinking yes.

The source I am using? The Young Women Personal Progress for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Who says it's only for Young Women?

I sat down on Sunday to look over the Young Women Personal Progress Booklet. I purchased it, along with a small, matching journal, at the Church's Distribution Center in Mesa. You might, however, be able to get one free through your Bishop.

The Church also has this one online: Young Women Personal Progress and when you log in using your lds.org account, it becomes interactive, meaning you can actually enter things in there and save them.

The first question is: do we stick with the same Young Women Values or do we change a few things to make it more pertinent to widows?

Here were my thoughts:

Faith
Divine Nature
Eternal Nature of Marriage
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Good Works
~~Enduring~~ Enjoying To The End

I'm still working on this, but I would love to hear from anyone else with ideas and suggestions.

Three Choices

2012-01-02T08:00:00.002-08:00

I love it when I'm on the same page as the Bishopric in my Ward. This talk was profiled in one of the talks in Sacrament Meeting yesterday.

Three Choices by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, October 2003 Conference.

It's never too late to make changes in your life.

What If?

2012-01-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

This morning, while waiting for Sacrament Meeting to start, I read from the Book of Mormon. In my personal reading, I've started 2nd Nephi.

I read this (2nd Nephi 1:8-10

"8 And behold, it is wisdom that this land should be kept as yet from the knowledge of other nations; for behold, many nations would overrun the land, that there would be no place for an inheritance.

9 Wherefore, I, Lehi, have obtained a promise, that inasmuch as those whom the Lord God shall bring out of the land of Jerusalem shall keep his commandments, they shall prosper upon the face of this land; and they shall be kept from all other nations, that they may possess this land unto themselves. And if it so be that they shall keep his commandments they shall be blessed upon the face of this land, and there shall be none to molest them, nor to take away the land of their inheritance; and they shall dwell safely forever.

10 But behold, when the time cometh that they shall dwindle in unbelief, after they have received so great blessings from the hand of the Lord—having a knowledge of the creation of the earth, and all men, knowing the great and marvelous works of the Lord from the creation of the world; having power given them to do all things by faith; having all the commandments from the beginning, and having been brought by his infinite goodness into this precious land of promise—behold, I say, if the day shall come that they will reject the Holy One of Israel, the true Messiah, their Redeemer and their God, behold, the judgments of him that is just shall rest upon them."

I wondered what if the descendants of Lehi, all of them, had remained righteous? Would the "New World" as the Americas were called ever been discovered? Would Christopher Columbus had been able to find the Americas? Would the pilgrims have known about the Americas to leave Europe in search of religious freedom? Would there have been a Trail of Tears?

Then the answer came. Sometimes the question "what if?" is good for an increase in knowledge and understanding. In fact, it's great if you are looking to innovate something for the future.

But pondering "what if?" about the past? It may be interesting and even educational, but to dwell on it serves no purpose as it will not change how things are now.

YOUR Happily Ever After

2012-01-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

For the full talk: Your Happily Ever After

I would invite you to fully study this talk.

If you are grieving and think you'll never feel happy again, "hold on, the light will come". Many thanks to Michael McLean for that song.

Realizing Your Dreams

2011-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

I don't have BYU TV (it's too expensive for me), so I was looking at their web site and found a television series that peaked my interest. It's called See The Good and I've only watched one episode on it, but it was a good one.

Here's the link to the episode: Realizing Your Dreams

What are your dreams? What did you want to be as a child, and has that dream come to fruition?This video is a must see, but not embed friendly, so click on the link above to view the video.

Potential

2011-12-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

We all have potential. What is yours? This is part of another phenomenal talk from TOFW.

Chastening

2011-12-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

If you saw the video in the last post, you saw a reference to Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk, "As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten". Here is the link to the talk: Elder D. Todd Christofferson

This is definitely the thing I need to be working on. Why? because it's the only way to truly have that relationship with the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Psalms 25:9: The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.

By the way, I've personally met Elder Christofferson (while he was serving in the Seventy) and this is a truly humble man. He lives what he preaches.

Choose To Become

2011-12-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Last month I had the opportunity to attend a Time Out For Women event in my area. Because the event didn't occur until November, the theme and a lot that went along with it was gone in less than a month. The blogs, however, are fortunately still up. If you don't know what a Time Out For Women event is, here is the link: TOFW

The events are sponsored through Deseret Book, so it's somewhat of a commercial enterprise, as the speakers and musical entertainment all have books and/or CD's they are selling at the event in the bookstore.

That said, there is a lot more to TOFW than a really long infomercial. I've been to these in the past, but this one made an impact on me. The theme for 2011 was Choose To Become. The talks were focused on some aspect to help the women attending to find ways they could choose to become a little more of what our Father in Heaven and the Lord know we can be. It's not focused entirely on being a good mother, it's focused on how you can take care of you while you take care of the young ones in your life.

I think the reason this impacted me so much is that for a while now I have felt like I'm at a crossroads in my life. Duh. Yes, I am. My eternal companion has been serving his mission for 11 years now on the other side, my father has been gone 5 years as of December 13th, I will most likely be moving in with my Mother at some point soon to provide her with whatever help she needs, and I have several projects on the burner that have either yet to be finished or haven't been started yet. I'm clearly at a crossroad in my life, it just a matter of figuring out which road to take next.

I thought I had a really good relationship with the Lord, but I'm finding that this relationship was at a child's level. This relationship needs to be at the grownup level if I'm going to really be able to find out where I need to be headed and what I need to be doing with my life. Coasting is no longer an option.

I got an email from TOFW for the DVD with a number of speakers from the 2011 Tour, and found there were some phenomenal talks (only 1 presentation I had seen in Phoenix, the rest were new to me) with scripture references and, for some, even notes for me to use with my studying. This, along with reading The Book of Mormon, reading Increase In Learning by David A. Bednar and going through all of the references is helping me to understand things with the grownup understanding I am seeking. Here's a taste from one of the fantastic videos on the DVD. If you can get your hands on this one, it's well worth the price.

A Few Messages of Faith

2011-02-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

I've been sick this past week. After my second visit to the doctor on Friday, I was driving home and stopped for a long procession of vehicles, a funeral procession, going towards the local cemetery. It reminded me, as God often does, that while my challenges are indeed challenges, I've been through worse. He also reminds me that as bad as my week has been, someone has had a worse week. My prayers go out to all who mourn the loss of a loved one.

And if you're not at that level yet:

Continue In Patience

2010-09-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

There are many of us who are waiting for promised blessings. If we trust and wait for the Lord, He will not let us down.

Changes, Beginning Anew

2010-09-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this post is going to make sense, so please bear with me.

There have been a lot of changes in my life, changes that have forced me to face things I haven't faced before and do things I haven't done before.

If you read my regular blog, you know I recently had a health crisis. I had surgery to remove both an ovarian cyst and the ovary it was attached to. Thankfully there was no cancer. This is the second cancer scare I've had since Decker's death.

It's also been a time for reflection, looking at what is really important to me and, basically, finding out who my friends are. I've found the number one friend I have is Jesus Christ.

Saturday marked the 9 year anniversary of attacks from several fronts on American soil. I sat and watched, glued to the television, video I hadn't seen before of what it was like at the Twin Towers in New York. Watching firefighters and police officers racing to the towers, knowing many of them wouldn't come out alive. I thought of the trauma that so many people encountered that day, and felt somewhat shaken just by watching it.

Trauma changes people, changes their outlook, and changes lives.

I would have to say Decker's death was the biggest trauma I've had so far in my life, however the death of my father has come in second. Life is never the same after a traumatic event, but one thing does remain the same and that is the Savior Jesus Christ. He was there for me when Decker died, he was definitely there for me after my father's death, and I felt His peace upon me yesterday during Sacrament meeting. I was still reeling after what I had watched on television, but the words of the Sacrament Prayer brought peace and perspective.

The Plan of Salvation was still in effect.

Then there was the talk of "rebuilding". This word has an empty meaning to people who's lives have changed because of trauma. Can you truly rebuild? In my personal opinion, no. What was normal before will never be the same again, so those who have been affected by trauma cannot go back to the way things were before. Particularly where death is a part of that trauma.

The only building that can be done is when those traumatized move forward and, as I put it, begin anew. This means creating a new life, and a new sense of normalcy. Will it be the same as the old normal. Some aspects, such as a job, might be the same, however everything will take on new meaning with this new life.

Everything changes, including relationships with others.

This includes their relationship with the Lord, and in my opinion, it should.

A Couple of CNN Articles on Death & Grieving

2010-08-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

These are stories of people of other faiths and how they have handled their grief.

Celebrating Life On The Anniversary of A Death

Navigating The Land of Grief Since My Son's Death

Forgiveness

2010-07-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

Miracles

2010-06-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Usually this day is pretty difficult for me: it's my 12 year wedding anniversary.

A little background:

Decker and I met on November 15th 1997 while working together in a kitchen at a church single's conference. I was 31 and had given up hope at that point of meeting my Mr. Right. He was 39 and yes, HE was looking. We fell in love on the dance floor that Saturday evening. By the following Wednesday, we knew we were meant for each other and it was only a matter of time before he proposed.

I didn't think things would happen that fast, and when we got engaged on December 20th 1997, my Mother freaked out made us promise to wait 6 months before getting married. We did, we got to know each other better and made some goals to start our life together with.

We married on June 12, 1998 in the Mesa Arizona Temple, just a few weeks before Decker turned 40 years old. He was thrilled to have found himself a wife before he turned 40.

Our bliss was cut short when Decker unexpectedly passed away on August 14, 2000. He had just turned 42 years old, I was a month away from turning 34.

I've gotten better with my emotions over the years since Decker's passing, but I can usually count on our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death to basically be a basket case. Instead, today I was blessed to see some miracles.

I usually try to spend some time at the Temple, and today was no different, but the Lord had some wonderful experiences in store for me.

After serving as a proxy for someone else, I ran into some good friends I've known for years with my family history work and ended up getting asked to come to a very special sealing session. Sealings are where couples are married for time and all eternity and where those who were not born to sealed parents become sealed to their parents. Today I had the privilege to see multiple familes restored between this side of the veil and the other. I shed a lot of tears as I watched this happen, tears of joy rather than of my own sorrow. I could also feel Decker's presence at various times throughout my time at the Temple.

I also had the opportunity, because of these sealings, to be reminded of the covenants and the promises God has in store with these sealings. Peace filled my heart as I knew that God knew of the pain I've been through since Decker left, and that He plans on making things right for both of us when the time comes for us to be reunited.

In the meantime, I'm glad I got to spend a little time with the Lord, with Decker and with some really, really good friends.

And Decker, My Love, I love you and long for the day when we can embrace once again.

Prayer

2010-01-25T19:23:00.001-08:00

Look To The Light

2010-01-09T17:45:00.001-08:00

This was posted on YouTube for Christmas 2009, but I think it's prevalent all year round.

January 2010 Ensign

2010-01-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

There are a few wonderful articles that might be of interest to you.

The first is geared specifically toward widows and widowers. Here is the link: Widows and Widowers: Moving Forward With Faith

Another great article is geared for those who are helping someone in need of comfort: The Courage to Comfort

The third fantastic message comes from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of The Twelve Apostles: The Best Is Yet To Be

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T15:58:00.001-08:00

Where Are You Christmas - It's A Wonderful Life

2009-12-20T09:53:00.001-08:00

A wonderful message to share this time of year.

A Couple of Messages

2009-12-20T08:07:00.001-08:00

For those who mourn during this season:

And for all:

Remember the reason for the season. And remember, from a previous message, Sunday Will Come.

What Shall We Give?

2009-12-16T18:00:00.000-08:00

O/T The Christmedley

2009-12-13T18:46:00.001-08:00

This is something I have been wanting to share with people for years, and I've finally gotten the opportunity to do it.

http://christmedley.blogspot.com/

Service

2009-11-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

This is something I've wanted to post for a while, and I'm finally getting around to it.

Yes, I could list you every talk that's been given on service and why we should all be serving. In fact, I've already given a lesson on service - the real reason we should serve - in the Parable of the First Responder.

Service can really help you when you are facing depression. President Hinckley continued a vigorous pace of service after Sister Hinckley passed away that is an example to us all.

There are a few cautionary things I would like to say regarding service.

If you are keeping yourself busy with service in order to delay the grieving process, don't. You need to take some time for yourself to go through the different stages of the grieving process. It doesn't mean you can't give service while this is going on, however when you're in the anger phase you might not want to be around anyone to keep from offending someone. If you know what I mean.

The other caution I have is this: make sure you do not run faster than you can walk. When Decker died, I threw myself into Family History. There was something I felt Decker and the Lord both wanted me to accomplish, something Decker was not able to accomplish before he died.

I accomplished a lot, in fact I don't feel the pressing need to work in that calling now as I did before, because of what I did accomplish, with the inspiration of the Lord. But I also found myself burned out by the time I was done with 7 Family History callings between the Ward and Stake levels. I listed them all on a document that I gave to both Ward and Stake Priesthood leaders and told each they would have to choose 1. I was released from the rest. Pretty soon, though, I was getting released from the two that they chose because I just couldn't do it anymore.

A lot of other things contributed to this, but I was very burned out and when that happens, you don't want to serve at all. That's why I have the caution to take things slowly and don't feel like people are going to judge you if you need a break. There are always the gossip mongers in each Ward, but this is between you, the Lord and your Bishop.

Whenever You're In Trouble

2009-11-28T17:18:00.000-08:00

If you've not seen this video, nor heard this song, you have to watch this. It's really special, and I love the message. It's true.

Lessons From 9/11

2009-09-11T16:26:00.001-07:00

Sunday Will Come

2009-06-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful new Mormon Message, that I think will have a special meaning for the widowed.

The Parable of The First Responder

2009-06-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last year and published it on my normal blog, I thought it would be nice to share with you. Enjoy, and have a great weekend, and for the men, a wonderful father's day.

I have to give a little bit of back-story to this post. I was born in Cincinnati, Ohio. When I was born, my family lived in a rural area outside of Cincinnati called Batavia, Ohio.

As with most rural areas of our country, the first responders (police, fire department and life squad - now called ambulance) were all volunteer. In some areas they still are today. These are people who hold regular jobs, but during their time off they are on call and/or stationed at their respective buildings in order to quickly respond to an emergency. My father served, for a period of some years, as a volunteer at one time or another for all three in Batavia.

All photos are Copyright Cassandra Dawn Bushman

His Police Badge:

His Fire Fighter Badge:

Dad's Life Squad certification:

This parable is about the true nature of service. We have so many people who serve, but even more who only claim to serve but don't really walk the walk. The term "public servant" comes to mind with some of our elected officials. I was raised with an atmosphere of service in the home I grew up in. This started with my parents.

Let's think of the amount of hours my father spent getting trained for each of the 3 volunteer positions he held in Batavia. Did it take him away from his family? Yes. Was it time consuming? Yes. Was it worth it to the people he rescued? Absolutely yes.

Let's think about the calls he got to rescue someone or help someone in distress. Did these come at inconvenient times for my family? Yes. Was it worth it to the people he helped? Absolutely yes.

Some of these emergencies were flooded river banks, fires, medical emergencies in the home, bad vehicle accidents as well as robberies and disputes. How much do you think people valued Dad's willingness to drop everything and come to a rescue? The word priceless comes to mind, but Mastercard might have issues with that.

Dad always had to be prepared for any emergency, even if we were out for a family car ride here in Arizona and Dad was no longer the "official" first responder he had been in the past. I witnessed many times both of my parents administering emergency aid to someone at a rest stop, including one man who had been severely burned from his car's radiator cap exploding on him.

This was in the days before cell phones, when making a simple phone call was not an option.

Now let's think about what we call "service" today. Yes, there are some fantastic examples of service, including the first responders we have today (paid and unpaid), those in the military and their families, and anyone working in a public school. This includes not only the teachers, but also the staff who are the unsung heroes in public education.

There are also, I'm sorry to say, those whose "service" leaves something to be desired.

Those who abuse the word not only set a bad example, but they will, I believe, ultimately be exposed to the rest of the world for what they really are.

Ultimately, the questions we should be asking are: a) What kind of service do we give (this includes me as well ;o); and b) What kind of people should we be really looking up to? Celebrities, sports stars, politicians, or to those who provide the service most people never see?

I can be grateful that although my Dad was not perfect (he passed away on Dec. 13, 2006), he and Mom did set examples for me to rely on, even today.

I love you Dad, Happy Father's Day.

Sample Funeral Checklist

2009-06-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of housekeeping to do.

I was talking about this blog to my Stake President, and he suggested that I post the Sample Funeral Checklist from my web site.

The story behind this is that when Decker and I got married, Decker was called and sustained to be the High Priest Group Leader for our Ward. One of his brethren passed away about a year or so into our marriage and Decker was asked by our Bishop to assist the widow with funeral preparations. Decker told me this (we worked as a team on a lot of things with both our callings in the Church), and showed me this checklist that looked like a copy of a copy of a copy. I felt, given the computer technology in our home, we could make a newer version, so that's what I did.

It has been used a few times before that I know of, but the next use I had for it was for Decker's funeral arrangements.

Here's the link, it's a Microsoft Word document: Funeral Checklist

I've left it in this format, so that anyone else wanting to use it can change the local cemeteries and mortuaries.

Not a pleasant thought, but it really came in handy for me when I needed it.

The Answer

2009-06-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

For those who are read my entry from last Friday, I posed a little quiz question at the end of the post. Have you seen the children in the Celestial Room of the Mesa Temple?

They are actually called cherubs, but they appear to be little children with gowns on. They are above the doorway that leads out to the main hallway and stairwell. They are white friezes, two on each side of the doorway. Be sure to take a look and say hello the next time you're visiting.

This Week I Learned...

2009-06-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

This week I learned...

That I don't have to cry anymore on my wedding anniversary.

That Decker still has a sense of humor - starting off the endowment ceremony in Spanish and then asking me (in spirit) why I couldn't understand what was being said.

That it's not just the words being used by Satan that was deceitful, but how he used them and the different types of coercion used by him to get Eve to partake when Adam would not.

That the reason we go all the way to the Celestial Room on behalf of those who are deceased is that they have the same chance that we have to accept the Gospel of Jesus Christ and achieve the Celestial Kingdom as those of us on Earth who have received and accepted the ordinances. If they were restricted to the Telestial Kingdom, then why go all the way to the Celestial Room in the Temple?

That we are "valiant in the testimony of Jesus" by using the Sword of the Spirit, in the Armor of God. It is the only part of the armor that is an offensive weapon, all of the rest of the armor is defensive. We are to use this sword to pierce the hearts of our brothers and sisters into a remembrance of Christ.

That the distinction of light between the different degrees of glory is not just symbolic of their differences, but also the distinction of truth and knowledge that will be bestowed upon those inhabiting those kingdoms. Telestial and Terrestrial glories will be given some knowledge, but it will be limited and based upon the degree of glory achieved. Only the Celestial Glory will reveal all, thus the glory of a sun that hides no light, the Celestial Glory will hide no truth and knowledge.

The Sons of Perdition will receive no light, no knowledge, because they took the light that was given them and denied it (or in the terms of the Parable of the Talents, they buried it Matt. 25: 14-30).

Ask A Mortgage Counselor

2009-06-12T19:35:00.001-07:00

For anyone who has questions or needs some help with their mortgage, Channel 8 (KAET) will have phone banks and a special on Wednesday, June 17th.

Ask A Mortgage Counselor

Wedding Anniversaries

2009-06-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. As I have the blessing of living close to the Temple Decker and I were sealed in, I was able to go and attend a session there, then have a late lunch. When I first started doing this after Decker died, it was hard. Really, really emotional to the point of draining. But the blessings outweigh the sacrifice. Now I feel comfort, and today I could feel that Decker was not only there, but having a little bit of a laugh at something that happened. The session started off in tongues, namely Spanish. But then, as things progressed in English, there were new things I was being shown and taught. It never ceases to amaze me at how much there is to learn there.

Decker and I spent a lot of time in that Temple, we were both already endowed when we got engaged, so a lot of our dating was done at the Mesa Temple. By the time we were sealed in the Temple our marriage was Decker's 77th sealing session. And when we did get married, Decker gave me the wonderful surprise of a road trip, Temple hopping through Utah.

Decker and I especially did a lot of sealings prior to our marriage, as we both wanted to know what kind of covenants we would be making. While doing so, we would attend sessions that were conducted by a brother who knew a lot about the Temple and the covenants you make throughout all of the Temple activities.

While I can't talk about all of what was discussed, I will bring up one bit of trivia. For those of you who attend the Mesa Arizona Temple, have you seen the children in the Celestial Room?

I'll post the answer next week.

The Last Lecture

2009-06-11T13:52:00.001-07:00

If you haven't seen this, or read the book, you need to watch this. Dr. Randy Pausch will be gone 1 year in July. This video does contain some swear words, however Disney has released an edited version of this on dvd, you can get it at Barnes & Noble.

The Blessings of The Temple

2009-06-10T17:50:00.000-07:00

The Church now has a YouTube channel called Mormon Messages. Click here to go to the web site.

The Priesthood Backup Plan

2009-06-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is probably pretty obvious for the sisters, but maybe not for the brothers. A few years ago I was in a situation where I needed a Priesthood blessing. I did what I thought I only needed to do: I called my home teachers. Unfortunately at that time my home teachers consisted of a High Priest and a Deacon, which meant only one could give the blessing, and that one person was unavailable.

To make a long story short, phone calls were made and one brother from my Ward was able to come to provide a blessing. Afterwards the people who knew of my situation forgot about what was going on, so no further assistance was given. In other words, I fell through the cracks.

In order to prevent this from happening again, I sat down with my home teachers and Bishop and we came up with a plan for me to have a list of backup names and phone numbers. Along with this was the instruction that the Home Teachers would also have the names and phone numbers of my Visiting Teachers so that calls would be made and more people would be aware of the situation. I would strongly urge other widows to do the same.

Priesthood Backup List

Immediate family members (if applicable)
Home Teachers
High Priest Group Leadership
Bishopric
Elder's Quorum Presidency
Stake Presidency

Having something like this already in place can provide some order, as well as peace of mind, during emergencies when it matters most.

A Little Bit About Me

2009-06-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not you're regular Mormon.

I was born in a Jewish Hospital in Cincinnati, Ohio, and raised Baptist. Not a practicing Baptist, mind you, as the pastor of the Church absconded with some of the Church's money and left to go into televangelism. And no, thankfully, his name was not James Bakker.

I was, from an early age, interested in religion. I was baptized a Baptist when I was 6 and already knew somewhat of what I was doing then. Given what happened with that Church, I wanted to know what I should be looking for in a Church, so I prayed to God. I had this open relationship with God, because I had been taught He loves kids.

I began having dreams and other various spiritual experiences, because I would ask. This included dreams of what I should be looking for in a Church.

Fast forward to high school, when I turned 14 years old I began to seek a religion in earnest. I knew there was something more to life, but I didn't know where to find it. The closest I got was the Messianic Jews (now known as Jews for Jesus), before I asked the neighbors across the street if I could go to their LDS Church with them. The first Sunday I went with them I attended the full block and knew by the end of Sunday School that this was the Church I had been looking for. This was the one I had been dreaming about since childhood. My first experience with receiving a confirmation by the Holy Ghost was, I kid you not, reading D&C 132. Eternal Marriage. How prophetic.

My family was not happy about my joining. They wouldn't allow me to attend Seminary, I was very blessed, however to attend girls camp once and that was after my senior year. It was a special girl's camp up at NAU in Flagstaff, called Horizons '84. I went and attended as many workshops as I could, the one that I repeated was the workshop they gave on Temple marriage. I still remember it and the view of a modest wedding dress that was on display.

After I turned 18 I was finally able to take the missionary discussions, but by this time I was not only reading scriptures, I was also reading Bruce R. McConkie. Not your average investigator. My family, however, was not going to quit without a fight and joined an anti-Mormon group called Concerned Christians. I was taken to see movies defiling the Temple (they made me nauseous) and literally brought up in front of a group at one of their meetings where it was announced I was joining the Church. I just stood there and waited for someone to start throwing stones at me, I thought I was going to be killed that night. I managed to survive that and the group trying to stop me from attending my own baptism, and was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with my Ward family, the neighbors, but not my family.

I was in a variety of Wards and participated in the singles program. Because of some things going on with my family, I moved out for a few years and received my endowments in the Mesa Temple in February 1992. When I was 31, I was helping the neighbor family in the kitchen at a Singles Conference when I met this fun man with his niece. They were cousins of the neighbor family who baptized me in the Church. By the end of the day we were dancing exclusively on the dance floor and exchanging information to start dating. This was on November 15, 1997, on December 20th Decker proposed to me in the Celestial Room of the Temple.

We were married on June 12, 1998 in the Mesa, Arizona Temple. Decker had guardianship of one of his nieces, and she remained with us while she finished high school. We tried to have children, but I was not able to conceive. We were within months of starting the testing to find out what was wrong when Decker died unexpectedly.

On the morning of August 14, 2000, I awoke one morning at 12:30 in the morning to find him in our bathroom gasping for air. I called 911 and the ambulance took him to the hospital. I honestly felt things were going to be alright, we would get him stabilized and find out what we needed to do so he could regain his health. It didn't work out that way. I drove myself to the hospital and waited in the waiting area. They wouldn't let me see him. Then a code blue was called out, but I still wasn't panicking about it. Some time later the doctors came out and asked me what had happened. I told them, and then I asked how Decker was doing. I was told he was gone.

There's been a lot of grieving and growing since this, but also some really profound testimony building experiences. On occasion Decker will be allowed to visit with me in my dreams, and when we do it's usually spent embracing each other. One of the things I miss is the touching, cuddling and hugging that was such a big part of our relationship. I usually do pretty good emotionally, there are two times of the year I can count on being a basket case: our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death. And, for obvious reasons, I don't do Mother's Day, except to spend it with my own Mother. The semi-annual anniversary of his death falls on Valentine's day, so I hadn't celebrated it for a while, but I celebrated it with the kids I work with this year. It was actually fun, and a little bit liberating from the pain.

My father passed away from cancer in 2006, I was there, helping Mom with him to the end. When he died, I was able to help my Mother, not only as a daughter, but as a widow buddy. It was something I wasn't expecting, but I am grateful for. Her health is slowly declining, now, and when she's gone I will have to start a new life. Again.

To Marry, or Not To Marry?

2009-06-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

This is a question that faces all widowed members of the Church, whether male or female, but given the limits placed upon widows who marry again it can be a daunting question.

This is my opinion on this:

First of all, the decision to marry is between the individual and the Lord, whether it be for the first time, second, etc. The Church's official stance on this for widowed members who are sealed to their deceased spouse is that the widowed member doesn't need to worry about it if they don't want to. The basis of this comes from The Book of Doctrine and Covenants Section 132.

"4. For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory."

What are ways that members of the Church can reject a covenant marriage? One way would be to not enter it, another way is to not honor the covenant marriage between the husband and wife. However how would other members of the Church reject a covenant marriage? Could it be by not honoring the memory of that covenant marriage when the spouse has died? Should members of the Church treat the widowed member as if the covenant marriage no longer exists? I don't want to be harsh about this, but those who have recently lost their spouses need a confirmation of the eternal promise of their marriages, not to be told that their marriage no longer counts in the eyes of the Church.

More from D&C 132:

"19. And again, verily I say unto you, if a man amarry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and beverlasting covenant, and it is csealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of dpromise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the ekeys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit fthrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s gBook of Life, that he shall commit no hmurder whereby to shed innocent iblood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their jexaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the kseeds forever and ever."

I can testify that I know the Lord honors these covenant marriages. Members of the Church need to honor them as well. It should be at the widowed member's discretion if and when they will participate in the singles program of the Church.

Another way to look at this comes from the April 2009 General Conference, from the address titled Temple Worship: The Source of Strength and Power in Times of Need By Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

"Fourteen years ago the Lord decided it was not necessary for my wife to live any longer on the earth, and He took her to the other side of the veil. I confess that there are times when it is difficult not to be able to turn and talk to her, but I do not complain. The Lord has allowed me, at important moments in my life, to feel her influence through the veil.

What I am trying to teach is that when we keep the temple covenants we have made and when we live righteously in order to maintain the blessings promised by those ordinances, then come what may, we have no reason to worry or to feel despondent.

I know that I will have the privilege of being with that beautiful wife, whom I love with all my heart, and with those children who are with her on the other side of the veil because of the ordinances that are performed in the temple. What a blessing to have once again on the earth the sealing authority, not only for this mortal life but for the eternities. I am grateful that the Lord has restored His gospel in its fulness, including the ordinances that are required for us to be happy in the world and to live everlastingly happy lives in the hereafter."

The singles program, while a nice way to meet new people, is not designed to meet the needs of widowed members, but was rather designed to assist in introducing people in hopes of single members of the Church getting married.

Now, here is where reality hits. Given the limits on widows who want to marry again, are they doomed to never marry if widowers only prefer eternal marriages (meaning the widows are out of luck unless they cancel their sealings)?

What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are, again, it's between the widower and the Lord whether he marries again, and marries for time only or for eternity. I will also say, however, that if a man feels the only woman worth marrying is one he can marry for eternity, he is selling himself short, as well as selling short any potential bride the Lord may have in mind.

As for me, yes, I would like to marry again, for time only. Decker and I have an eternal future together, but right now it's been put on hold for his Heavenly mission. I know he wants me to be happy, and spending earthly time with someone else is a part of that equation. When Decker passed away I was a month shy of 34 years old. I'm 42, almost 43, years old now, so I'm a little more hopeful of meeting someone to spend the rest of mortality with. In the meantime, I am trying to make some new friends regardless of whether something more comes out of it or not.

Have I felt that feeling of "doom", though? Yes, I have. I would be lying to say I haven't, and yes, tears have been shed over that feeling. The widows are at a disadvantage as far as marrying again, but, it seems to me, to have been a protecting agent against unscrupulous suitors.

One of my good friends and former visiting teachers is a widow buddy of mine, and she was widowed younger than I. After her husband died, with one small daughter and another on the way, she was told by her Bishop that she needed to marry again. Being the good girl that she is, she followed his advice and married again. Less than 6 months into this marriage, he was complaining that she was still focused on her late husband (well, she was still grieving when she married again), drained her savings account of the life insurance money and took off and left her. She had two small daughters and $0.38 to her name when she went crying to that Bishop.

She now swears she will never marry again after that, and I can't blame her for her feelings.

Marrying Again

2009-06-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

This entry should be a reminder to any LDS Church leadership reading this, and hopefully will provide some information for newly widowed members of the Church. If there is an error with any of this please let me know, but a most of the information I have on this I received after talking to a Temple President.

Widowed Brethren:

Widowed men in the Church can marry again, and have the choice of marrying for time and eternity in the Temple or they can marry for time only in the Temple.

To marry again for time and eternity both the man and woman must be worthy to enter and participate in Temple ordinances, and the woman must have never been married or has had any sealings from a previous marriage canceled by the appropriate authority.

To marry again for time only both the man and woman must be worthy to enter and participate in Temple ordinances, and the woman must be widowed and sealed to her deceased spouse.

Widowed Sisters:

Widowed sisters in the Church who are sealed to their deceased husbands can only marry for time only. This is scripturally based upon the Kingdom of God being a through a Patriarchal Line. Widowed sisters can marry for time only in the Temple, however the groom must be widowed as well. Divorced or never married men cannot marry for time only in the Temple.

Widowed sisters can marry for time only outside of the Temple with no limits to the groom's marital status, or membership in the Church.

The only exception to all of this is if the widow cancels the sealed marriage to her deceased husband. There are reasons why some sisters have chosen to do this, however it is extremely individualistic and will only be done with the Lord's blessing via the Church Leadership in Salt Lake.

This is probably worded better in the Church's Handbook of Instructions, in the section for the Bishop. If you have questions about this, speak with your Bishop or Branch President and have them look it up, or you can talk to the President of your local Temple if he is willing to discuss this with you.

Welcome To The Widowed Connection

2009-06-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

This blog has been something I've been wanting to do for some time. It's an extension of pages from my personal web site I created shortly after the death of my husband, Decker. I found that while the singles program of the LDS Church is a wonderful way to meet friends, it was never designed to meet the needs of widowed members going through the grieving process.

Here is the link to my personal web site: The Widowed Connection

There is a lot of information I will be covering on this, but it may take a little while to squeeze the time in for blogging. If there is a topic you would like to see covered, or have a blog of your own that pertains to this subject, please contact me.