Choose To Become

Last month I had the opportunity to attend a Time Out For Women event in my area. Because the event didn't occur until November, the theme and a lot that went along with it was gone in less than a month. The blogs, however, are fortunately still up. If you don't know what a Time Out For Women event is, here is the link: TOFW

The events are sponsored through Deseret Book, so it's somewhat of a commercial enterprise, as the speakers and musical entertainment all have books and/or CD's they are selling at the event in the bookstore.

That said, there is a lot more to TOFW than a really long infomercial. I've been to these in the past, but this one made an impact on me. The theme for 2011 was Choose To Become. The talks were focused on some aspect to help the women attending to find ways they could choose to become a little more of what our Father in Heaven and the Lord know we can be. It's not focused entirely on being a good mother, it's focused on how you can take care of you while you take care of the young ones in your life.

I think the reason this impacted me so much is that for a while now I have felt like I'm at a crossroads in my life. Duh. Yes, I am. My eternal companion has been serving his mission for 11 years now on the other side, my father has been gone 5 years as of December 13th, I will most likely be moving in with my Mother at some point soon to provide her with whatever help she needs, and I have several projects on the burner that have either yet to be finished or haven't been started yet. I'm clearly at a crossroad in my life, it just a matter of figuring out which road to take next.

I thought I had a really good relationship with the Lord, but I'm finding that this relationship was at a child's level. This relationship needs to be at the grownup level if I'm going to really be able to find out where I need to be headed and what I need to be doing with my life. Coasting is no longer an option.

I got an email from TOFW for the DVD with a number of speakers from the 2011 Tour, and found there were some phenomenal talks (only 1 presentation I had seen in Phoenix, the rest were new to me) with scripture references and, for some, even notes for me to use with my studying. This, along with reading The Book of Mormon, reading Increase In Learning by David A. Bednar and going through all of the references is helping me to understand things with the grownup understanding I am seeking. Here's a taste from one of the fantastic videos on the DVD. If you can get your hands on this one, it's well worth the price.

A Few Messages of Faith

I've been sick this past week. After my second visit to the doctor on Friday, I was driving home and stopped for a long procession of vehicles, a funeral procession, going towards the local cemetery. It reminded me, as God often does, that while my challenges are indeed challenges, I've been through worse. He also reminds me that as bad as my week has been, someone has had a worse week. My prayers go out to all who mourn the loss of a loved one.



And if you're not at that level yet:

Continue In Patience

There are many of us who are waiting for promised blessings. If we trust and wait for the Lord, He will not let us down.

Changes, Beginning Anew

I don't know if this post is going to make sense, so please bear with me.

There have been a lot of changes in my life, changes that have forced me to face things I haven't faced before and do things I haven't done before.

If you read my regular blog, you know I recently had a health crisis. I had surgery to remove both an ovarian cyst and the ovary it was attached to. Thankfully there was no cancer. This is the second cancer scare I've had since Decker's death.

It's also been a time for reflection, looking at what is really important to me and, basically, finding out who my friends are. I've found the number one friend I have is Jesus Christ.

Saturday marked the 9 year anniversary of attacks from several fronts on American soil. I sat and watched, glued to the television, video I hadn't seen before of what it was like at the Twin Towers in New York. Watching firefighters and police officers racing to the towers, knowing many of them wouldn't come out alive. I thought of the trauma that so many people encountered that day, and felt somewhat shaken just by watching it.

Trauma changes people, changes their outlook, and changes lives.

I would have to say Decker's death was the biggest trauma I've had so far in my life, however the death of my father has come in second. Life is never the same after a traumatic event, but one thing does remain the same and that is the Savior Jesus Christ. He was there for me when Decker died, he was definitely there for me after my father's death, and I felt His peace upon me yesterday during Sacrament meeting. I was still reeling after what I had watched on television, but the words of the Sacrament Prayer brought peace and perspective.

The Plan of Salvation was still in effect.

Then there was the talk of "rebuilding". This word has an empty meaning to people who's lives have changed because of trauma. Can you truly rebuild? In my personal opinion, no. What was normal before will never be the same again, so those who have been affected by trauma cannot go back to the way things were before. Particularly where death is a part of that trauma.

The only building that can be done is when those traumatized move forward and, as I put it, begin anew. This means creating a new life, and a new sense of normalcy. Will it be the same as the old normal. Some aspects, such as a job, might be the same, however everything will take on new meaning with this new life.

Everything changes, including relationships with others.

This includes their relationship with the Lord, and in my opinion, it should.

A Couple of CNN Articles on Death & Grieving

These are stories of people of other faiths and how they have handled their grief.

Celebrating Life On The Anniversary of A Death

Navigating The Land of Grief Since My Son's Death

Forgiveness

Miracles

Usually this day is pretty difficult for me: it's my 12 year wedding anniversary.

A little background:

Decker and I met on November 15th 1997 while working together in a kitchen at a church single's conference. I was 31 and had given up hope at that point of meeting my Mr. Right. He was 39 and yes, HE was looking. We fell in love on the dance floor that Saturday evening. By the following Wednesday, we knew we were meant for each other and it was only a matter of time before he proposed.

I didn't think things would happen that fast, and when we got engaged on December 20th 1997, my Mother freaked out made us promise to wait 6 months before getting married. We did, we got to know each other better and made some goals to start our life together with.




We married on June 12, 1998 in the Mesa Arizona Temple, just a few weeks before Decker turned 40 years old. He was thrilled to have found himself a wife before he turned 40.

Our bliss was cut short when Decker unexpectedly passed away on August 14, 2000. He had just turned 42 years old, I was a month away from turning 34.

I've gotten better with my emotions over the years since Decker's passing, but I can usually count on our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death to basically be a basket case. Instead, today I was blessed to see some miracles.

I usually try to spend some time at the Temple, and today was no different, but the Lord had some wonderful experiences in store for me.

After serving as a proxy for someone else, I ran into some good friends I've known for years with my family history work and ended up getting asked to come to a very special sealing session. Sealings are where couples are married for time and all eternity and where those who were not born to sealed parents become sealed to their parents. Today I had the privilege to see multiple familes restored between this side of the veil and the other. I shed a lot of tears as I watched this happen, tears of joy rather than of my own sorrow. I could also feel Decker's presence at various times throughout my time at the Temple.

I also had the opportunity, because of these sealings, to be reminded of the covenants and the promises God has in store with these sealings. Peace filled my heart as I knew that God knew of the pain I've been through since Decker left, and that He plans on making things right for both of us when the time comes for us to be reunited.

In the meantime, I'm glad I got to spend a little time with the Lord, with Decker and with some really, really good friends.

And Decker, My Love, I love you and long for the day when we can embrace once again.