Not Entirely Gone

Yesterday morning as I was getting dressed for work, Decker paid me a visit. No light, no voices, just the overwhelming feeling of him being there, giving me a hug that left me breathless.

Decker passed away on August 14, 2000 due to a pulmonary embolism that was misdiagnosed as a heart attack. It's been a while since his death, but I can usually count on being a basket case for our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death.

This, though, came as a surprise (somewhat) to me, though. I had been thinking about him, remembering how he held me in his arms, how he kissed me. I miss having that in my life. I'm thinking maybe he misses it too, as his presence was very strong, very overpowering.

I wept like I haven't done in years, and could feel pain leaving my body with the tears. I think that surprised me most of all.

I was having trouble adjusting to what had happened during the day at work yesterday, but I knew my home teachers were busy when it happened. I knew I needed a Priesthood Blessing, but it waited until that evening, when I was told in the blessing that this visit was just one of the tender mercies from the Lord.

Painful? Yes. But truly a blessing to be able to get these visits from Decker from time to time. Yes, I still love him, it's nice to know he still loves me too.

Dream New Dreams

If you saw The Last Lecture given by Dr. Randy Pausch, then you understand part of the story behind this book.  Randy passed away in 2008 from pancreatic cancer, leaving Jai a widow with three young children.  This is her story.

I've not read all of it yet, but I know from reading the Foreward I'm going to get a lot out of this book.

Hopefully she will not mind my sharing a paragraph that has already spoken to me:

"On the down side, I'm not able to put my past behind me completely.  My years with Randy get brought up in some way, shape or form every day.  It could be an e-mail from a pancreatic cancer advocacy group or someone recognizing my name that resurrects my past.  Three and a half years after Randy's death I still suffer from nightmares, talking in my sleep as my subconscious relives the most traumatic moments during that very trying time in my life.  My new husband, Rich, wakes me from my nightmares, quiets my sleep talk, and soothes me back to sleep.  It's not the way I wanted to start a new chapter in my life.  It's not the happy Hollywood ending I was hoping for, but I know my story doesn't end with this book."

Having been through the nightmares myself, I completely understand.  Completely.  I know it does become less frequent with time (at least it did with me), but yesterday morning I had a visit from Decker that brought back a lot of the fears and left me weeping with pain I didn't realize I still had.  August 14th made the 12 year anniversary of Decker's death, so it's been a while for me, but there are times when something catches me completely off guard.

Hopefully things will get better for Jai.  I'm thrilled that she has met someone to share her life with, and it is someone who understands there is still some pain involved from everything she experienced with Randy.

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